You probably think I'm a bad person for making this. I know it's disrespecful. I know it's crass.

And to be clear, so little of it effects me personally. At least, that's what you all think, anyway.

Maybe I don't have the right to make this. Maybe I should be more careful what I say. Maybe I should do something different.

I wish she had done that, too.

But that's the thing about death: she's gone. She cannot defend herself from the charges I bring against her.

If she was still here, she'd be able to destroy me. If she was still here, I wouldn't have to do this at all.

And that's why I write all this before you:

I cannot shake the feeling that, if I was with her, we both could have had a better life.